Second time down the aisle?

I’m often asked if or when will I marry again. Did the first time leave such a bad taste in my mouth? I don’t know really. So I’ll write it out and see if it does.

I met the Ex when I was 19. Not so much one on looks, I was seeking substance. I mean this in the least possibly vain way, but hot guys with no brains were a dime a dozen to me and I would inevitably lose patience with them and drop them, making them feel worthless and making me feel insensitive. The Ex was attractive, but he was smart too. He was also 25.

I strung him along for a couple of months, keeping him as a friend but not letting the relationship lapse into “Dating” per se. Mind you, he wasn’t allowed to date anyone else, but I was. God I was a selfish spoiled little brat at 19.

Eventually I got tired of that, and figured he wouldn’t hang around forever, so we started dating, and dating lapsed into living together. I found myself shedding a lot of my own life in favor of adapting to his. I ate like him, slept like him, read like him. He was, honestly, my very best friend, and in retrospect, we loved (and still love) each other dearly, but lacked that….chemistry that makes a married couple married, you know?

We had the big wedding. We went through some incredible tragedies, but we had each other, and stuck it out. Then, when there wasn’t anything wrong anymore…no more joint adversary, we turned on each other…hard.

10 years of relationship, five years of marriage fell apart because nothing was wrong…

So the idea of marriage kind of weirded me out after that. I’ve been through my “Marriage is a tool of the devil” phase and my “all marriages fail, so what’s the point?” phase. Add in a “I like him too much to marry him” phase, and well I come out on the other side.

I know how much work it is. I know how much of a personal sacrifice it is of space, privacy and individuality. Most importantly, I know where I went wrong, and see how I could easily avoid making that mistake again. I want to have a family someday, so I suppose that means getting married.

But the idea is scary as hell, the investment of time, money and emotions is staggering, especially when you’re concerned those are three things you don’t have enough of for yourself.

The Fella and I are coming up on being together for eight months. In that time, I’ve decided things are really good. He’s a wonderful kind person, calm, bright, polite and well-mannered. I find him incredibly attractive. His pace is a LOT slower than mine. I’m more of a “Make the decision, execute the decision” kind of person…he takes his time…something that I know drives me bonkers.

I have to decide if the things I don’t like about him are things I can live with for the rest of my life. Because the only thing I can tell you for certain today is that should I get married again, I will become a widow before I will be a divorcee`.